Meet My Stalker

May 21, 2006: Stalkeriffic update! Now we're getting Livejournal stalking. For variety, I guess. Crazy folks like to mix it up.

If you're here, it's probably because you've already met her. At any rate, here's a bit of history, a bit of a tale, a bit of a wond'rous journey of self-discovery. If you have any friends who are being cyberstalked, you can direct them here or to this page, which is more general advice and insights into stalking from the perspective of a man who's been stalked by a woman. It's not as rare as you might think.

...

We've all made regrettable dating choices in the past, haven't we?

In most cases, these decisions result in an awkward breakup, or temporary heartbreak, or a transient bitter feeling towards the opposite (or same) sex.

In my case, it's led to over a decade of harassment.

Back in 1994 -- remember that year, friends, there'll be a test -- I dated a girl that I shared some university classes with. We held hands, went to the fast food court at the Eaton Centre together, and did some smooching, but nothing too over the top.

The relationship lasted five days.

Five days, because as of Day Three, the girl started exhibiting some weird behaviour. Controlling, possessive, be-with-me-every-second-of-the-day, do-you-think-that-girl-is-more-attractive-than-me-oh-my-God-you-do-oh-I-hate-you-I-hate-myself, I-hate-you-you-bastard-no-I-love-you-say-you'll-never-leave-me behaviour.

A date on Day Five ended with the girl standing in the middle of Yonge Street at midnight in the pouring freezing rain, screaming at me to tell her I loved her while drivers leaned on their horns and a chorus of people yelled at us to get out of the fucking intersection.

Day Six, a Saturday, I broke up with her.

Day Seven, the stalking began.

Here's the test:

Take the current year. As of this writing it's 2006, but I have every reason to assume that that might not be when you're reading this note.

So take the current year, and subtract 1994.

That's how long this has been going on. Phase One involved threatening letters, greeting cards with skeletons on them, a dead animal on the porch, a day-long stakeout of my parents' house (back when I was living with them during university summers... she drove two hours from Toronto, parked outside my house for hours, then interviewed all of my neighbours, then left... God knows what would have happened if we'd been home that day) and a midnight call on Hallowe'en, when she begged me to impregnate her and swore she'd never speak to me again if she could just have my baby. I, uh, said no.

That was before a blissful multi-year hiatus in the middle, with only very sporadic stalkery bits... letters, photographs... showing up from time to time. But for the last year and a bit, Phase Two -- the cyberstalking phase -- has been here in full force, with the raging fury of a thousand craaaaazy suns.

If you're reading this, most likely it's because you're a member of an Internet forum that I'm also a member of, and the stalker in question has found out I'm posting there. She's paid people to try to hack my e-mail,  or so she says. Whether or not that's true, she's definitely shown a skill for finding out which Internet communities I'm a member of and spamming the hell out of them -- more than 150 forum posts and more than 100 e-mails to various friends and colleagues of mine within the last 14 months, containing a laundry list of allegations, slander, libel, physical threats and death threats towards me, my friends and my family. They've ranged from ranting promises to kill me to notes about "medical conditions" explaining that she's not always in full control over her actions.

Mind you, the "medical conditions" posts/e-mails haven't led to any lasting help being sought, or at least taking hold -- after a short while, the cycle begins anew, and we're back to the crazy ranting stage.

Given the nature of the Internet, it's almost impossible to get any sort of authoritative help; "harassment" is hard to prove, and it's nearly impossible to prove that person X on an Internet forum is the same crazy lady that's posted the other 299 batshit-crazy things in other forums. If you're an admin, dollars to donuts you can trace the IP back to somewhere in Toronto, probably the Tulip servers of the Toronto Public Library system -- another stumbling block when it comes to seeking official help (the TPL lets anyone use their computers, any time).

It's intrusive. It's hard to go through your e-mail every morning, especially when you're a writer and get a lot of mail from people you don't know, and find a new pseudonym with a new oblique way of threatening your life or that of your friends, or even your cats. It's highly annoying to be talking about self-publishing options in a forum with other writers, only to be interrupted by a post that goes on a wild tangent about how you're evil and not to be trusted.

If you're here, you've probably experienced the crazy first-hand. If you haven't, sit tight and the crazy will come to you. This, I can promise.

So I apologize if you're having to endure a torrent of e-mails from a lunatic that I broke up with over 11 years ago. I'm sorry if you're having to wade through forum posts about my monumental evil; I'm ESPECIALLY sorry if you're a forum admin and it actually takes you time and effort to ban these user accounts and block these IP addresses. Joey, Reinder, Joe, Valen, Darkson, Kev Steve, JR, Justin, and many others: I'm saddened that you've been given even more work in your busy schedules because of this. It's my problem, and I've made it yours.

Sorry. Really.

That being said... you, gentle netizen, may be wondering "what can I do to help?"

Quick answer: nothing.

Seriously nothing. Like, AGGRESSIVELY nothing.

The best strategy I've been given to date is "delete and ignore."

This person is mentally ill, and crazy people don't think like we do. They make their own rules regarding reality.

What this means is that they don't respond rationally to positive/negative stimulus.

I refer you to my Big Red Button.  analogy.

Please. Don't push the button.

So I'm asking you not to respond to her; if you have, please delete your posts/e-mails and stop replying.  If you're a forum admin, delete her posts and ban that ID immediately. She may generate another ID (12+ now on Talk About Comics, and they just keep on coming).

I'm sorry about the inconvenience; believe me, if there were any way I could stop this I would. But the only way to get her to go away is to ignore her. Don't push that button. "Delete and ignore" are the watchwords of those who have gone through this, and for good reason.

I've learned a few things from this. One is that  good friends are worth their weight in gold, and I truly appreciate everyone that's supported me through this ongoing ordeal. Another is the Big Red Button lesson, which I think needs to be shared with everyone who suffers serial harassment from a deranged person. It's an important thing to know.


- Matt